powdered bug dust

something in the development phase...

“I can’t help this feeling of abandonment,” I said, afraid of what the reaction, or really the lack thereof, would be. “All my life, I’ve been alone. There’s no one I can turn to for answers. A father, an uncle, a mother, an older sibling. There has never been a single person that has ever filled this role for me.” I stopped, thinking this was an adequate, though entirely brief, explanation of my life and feelings. But this was a risk that I seldom took. First to express my emotions or feelings, and secondly to think that anyone would or could empathize or sympathize. I was lost. I wandered through this hopeless desert. I had nothing with which to tell what direction I was travelling in. The heat scorched me to my bones, drying out the marrow and stealing any trace of life. But nevertheless, I walked in darkness. There was no rising and setting of the sun in the east or west or any direction. No hints or clues. And despite the fact that I wandered in darkness, there weren’t either any stars with a fixed position. There was never a way of telling where I was or where I was headed, that is to say that I could say I was headed in some sort of direction with some sort of destination. Whether I was standing or sitting still, whether I walked, or wandered, or ran; it mattered not. All I had was the past that continuously haunted my every waking moment and dominated my dreams when I was able to doze off into restless and paranoid sleep. Often I woke not being able to move any muscle in my body. I could open my eyes and look around, but I couldn’t turn my head or neck. I couldn’t move my arms, or even wiggle my fingers and toes. And somehow the illusion I had while I was awake; that I could move and walk and run and scream, kept me from losing my mind. It was during these paralyzed fits that I felt my psyche slowly slipping away. It was movement that helped make this illusion so powerfully effective and that somewhat kept my mind intact during my waking moments. I could sense that something was terribly wrong with me and my surroundings, but I was too distracted by my lack of rest and peace. My head was barely above water. I struggled to take in a breath of air with my head raised to the sky, but half the time took in a mouthful of water instead.